The essence of the Kenyan man under debate
November 12th, 2009 | Published in News
Last Thursday, 5th November 2009, at the Dass Restaurant in Westlands, Nairobi, some men and a few women met for drinks and bitings to discuss their apparent attacks from not just women but the society at large.
To lead us into the discussion was the popular ‘Man Talk’ columnist Oyunga Pala.
Oyunga arrived promptly at 6.00 p.m with his lovely sister but we had to start the session thirty minutes later, because in Kenya, we operate on Kenyan time!
Storymoja and Oyunga Pala are working on a book that will enable men define themselves and not how the society or women’s meddling should dictate their being. Hence, the topic on the table ‘Men Under Attack.’
The moderator, Storymoja’s Managing Director, Muthoni Garland, gave a short introductory speech, welcoming the guests and giving the gist of the evening. She predicted it to be fun and informative…how about doubling as a soothsayer Madame Moderator, because that’s every inch how the evening turned out! She also gave updates on other upcoming Storymoja events, such as ‘Kenya’s untold stories dramatised’ which will takes place at The National Museums on Wednesday of 11th November 2009 and the Launch of a Storymoja book club at The Sarit Centre on the 23rd November 2009.
The ball was left in Oyunga Pala’s court and he didn’t let the participants down. He kicked off the topic by asking Men their views on sex. According to him, sex, for the Kenyan man, is a learning skill. You have to learn to ‘tune’ the girl, get her to bed, and impress her in the sac so that she comes back again and again. Unfortunately the sex education that most men dwell on is from their peers and pornography which is nothing near educative with its bad lighting, exaggerated love making and worse the portrayal of the black man as the Mandingo warrior in the sac.
Oyunga sentiments that men feel attacked because they never meet female or societal expectations and their relationship with women is always defensive. The essence of the Kenyan man is empty because they are trying to fit someone else’s definition. The definition of the Kenyan man has been limited to ‘Providing’: Providing the basic needs for the family, providing sex in marriage and providing security. “If you are physically weak, adopt a defense mechanism like owning a sling or pick a whistle!” he said sending the men into fits of laughter. Men have almost perfectly learnt the art of concealing who they really are with society’s definition of masculinity. They don’t want to walk alone; so they choose a pack to fit in.
Once you reach your corporate peak in your late 30’s, you have a better car and good money, the next obvious ‘fitting in’ step is to get married. Not because you want to but because everyone is doing it. Or you get married par hazard because the condom broke, and you were the proud winner of your mama’s kid. Five years down the line, marriage becomes boring, your wife becomes chubby and suddenly girls under 25 get attracted to you. So you are confused between loyalty and being a man, a real man that ‘should’ have sex with these women.
According to Oyunga, men get married only to get laid. Afterwards he gets bored and starts looking for escapist solutions. That’s when mpango wa kando comes in. It’s as if they were programmed to chase and sleep with as many girls as possible. That’s why rich older men keep prowling on young girls, ‘‘Like a lion, sitting in a bar corner waiting for its prey!’’ he said.
A bespectacled guy who had refreshingly come with a date said he would tell young men in Kenya that sex becomes unimportant once you are well in your 70’s and if that is what you lived for, then you will have nothing.
How have you transitioned sexually?
A general manager in the group said his education of sex has evolved over the years. At eight years, sex was very fascinating for him. He remembered how at that age he and his mates found condoms on the road and one ‘mjuaji’ in the group started to explain to them what it was and what it was used for. He comically touched on the noticeable contrast of sex in the rural and urban areas. In ‘ushago’ all you had to say is, ‘Shall we?’ and you had it. However in Nairobi you have to give flowers, lunch, coffee, drinks and more in order to get laid.
A middle aged Ugandan designer said he wished he was born in the ‘good old days’ days when boys used to sit with their uncles and were taught about the birds and the bees. But being brought up in a boarding primary school where everybody was bragging that they had had sex. Of course most the rumors were fictional. Then when you finally did it, the fiction was out of the window, and an initial disappointment kicks in because it falls below the expectations of the rumors. But as a man you are not allowed to share your disappointment. He wished he had been taught about a more realistic sex education rather than mythological.
Similarly, a young man complained that unlike the olden days where the older people advised the young, today the young rely on MTV for ‘advise’. He didn’t disprove that culture has to progress but we need to reconcile with ourselves that olden days had better structured roles.
Battle of the sexes;
The ball was thrown to the audience and it turned out to be a heated but very productive kick and kick-back between man and the new man…the woman!
Carole a PR Executive said women are fitting in well in their new roles as the 21st century woman as compared to man. “I think it’s because we are living our mothers’ dreams, having careers they dreamt of, being sexually empowered as they would have wished to be and living our lives and not necessarily for our men.” She said, “Unlike men who are confused on their role today and have to rely on their peers for validation.”
A lady in lovely red top supported that man is confused on his role because there is a vacuum. “Today women can provide for themselves and can hire their own security, so men have been rendered useless!” She said to loud cheers and jeers. “Men who cannot cope with this situation try to put women down!” She continued to say that men who are secure with the change in roles are embracing non tradition roles like doing housework. The rest are confused and that’s why they spend most of their time in bars. She concluded by counseling men to curve out a new definition of who they should be.
A lot of murmurs were heard and many men raised their hands to respond to this opinion. The bespectacled guy responded and said there is no vacuum but roles are being re-defined. The difference is that today the supervision of the roles is not done by society but by the individual. “Women need men, and they know that,” he affirmed “if that were untrue why do they spend 90% of their time talking about men!”
Another male student defended his ilk, “If women are going to treat men as though they didn’t matter any more, then they shall simply go ahead and have another family where they are treated with the respect they deserve.”
This brought about hue and cry from the women in the house.
“I am perturbed by women’s aggressiveness to take on men’s roles,” said a male journalist, “women are so busy taking on our roles and that is why we have no choice but to stay late watching the Premier League!” he continued by advising women to learn from the Kenyan political power sharing agreement. Two guys with different ideologies have come together for the sake of convenience and are sharing power 50-50.
Time was not on our side so Oyunga voiced his last words instructing the Kenyan man that circumstances have changed and so he should find the best set of skills to survive in this space. “It’s important to find harmony with yourself and realize being an individual first is greater.” he said. “Find out what your essence is and make it your course in life.”
The search to find out who you are as a man even if you might never know is fulfilling.
Due to public demand, Storymoja is planning to hold these events every month so we would like ideas from you on which topic you wish to discuss and which speakers you want to hear from. Sexually speaking are men under attack? Imagine a combination of these two topics!
Report by Phanice Shamalla
